Poetry Update for myself

the last time I wrote something here
there was nothing but rage and dark and hate and twisting sadness that 
spiralled down into the core of my being 

and I miss that now 

I feel calmer but I don't feel wiser 
I was fucked up but now I'm just injured 
I was angry but now all I have left is fear because 
I got over all of that anger and alchemized it into something more harmful

these deep things I used to feel are gone and I miss them
I can't even feel passion in the words I type there's just nothing as dark as depression and I fucking loved

I loved
So deeply

and I loved to sit in that darkness 
and fester
and feel
and ache
because it was better
than
nothing
at
all